I gave my daughter the MMR and nothing happened

She didn't break into a seizure. She didn't stop breathing. She didn't instantly come down with Autism. The sky didn't fall. The walls of my world didn't crash in on me with guilt, and regret, and tragedy. She cried for a second, picked out her treat for the treasure box, and has been fine since. Our world has continued turning.

I don't say these things to belittle or mock those with such concerns, or the tragic minority who have actually experienced these events. I say these things because I have been terrified that these exact results to the vaccine would occur. I HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED for four years.

Yes, my daughter is nearly four. And yes, I realize this vaccine is late. But I don't care. I care that I had a strong base line to compare any potential reaction to, and I care that I spent an obscene amount of time studying this issue.

Why are you so scared?

For the health episode of the MomsEverday show I filmed, vaccines was a topic we covered. During the taping, I told my co-panelists that I had not get given my daughter the MMR. A fellow panelist looked confused as she asked me why. "Because I am scared," I responded. "Why are you scared??" She retorted. Why indeed.

The MMR will give my child Autism

You laugh. You roll your eyes. You shake your fists at the screen and yell, "But that study was debunked! It's all a lie! Are you an idiot?" But alas, it was debunked, but by who exactly? Who is calling it a lie? And are the parents who had walking, talking, healthy children pre-shot, and children who literally did a 1-80 in their development within hours of receiving the shot, idiots? What about the court case in Italy that ruled in favor of the parents suing the government for giving their child Autism with the MMR? Who is lying, who is not. Who wants to play this kind of Russian Roulette with their baby?

Rumors are that the doctor behind the study linking the shot and Autism recanted his claim, but that is not true. Dr. Wakefield stands firmly by his study. Medical professionals say that signs of Autism often appear around the approximate age that a child receives the MMR, hence the case for correlation and not causation. But this correlation occurs within the same 24 hours? Conveniently during the precise hours proceeding a shot and subsequent seizure? I don't buy it.

The MMR will not give my child Autism

Do I believe that there is a link between the MMR and autism? In some cases, I do. Could three live viruses, injected into an immune system with an unknown disposition against or allergy to the vaccine (allergic reactions are a real thing, ask the CDC), causing a high fever and seizure lead to Autism? I believe so. I believe parents who experience this are evidence of this claim. Do I believe the MMR is causing Autism in 1 in 68 children and 1 in 48 boys? Hellllll no. Science may betray us from time to time, but in this case, it is pretty crystal clear. The claim has been that the Thimerosal (or Mercury) used in vaccines caused Autism. But in the last decade plus, according the FDA, it has been reduced and removed from vaccines for reasons of health concerns. During these same years, Autism has skyrocketed. Better diagnosis alone simply cannot account for this growth. Clearly, there is something much more sinister and much more significant causing Autism in so many of our children than the MMR vaccine.

Why I did it

Ultimately, as parents, a lot of what we do is about cost/risk analysis. What is the benefit, and what is the harm. If the MMR were causing one in approximately 50 children to get Autism, and IF your child got the Measles they would have a 0.001% chance of death (according to the CDC), then you tell me? Of course parents have been scared to get the damned three-live-viruses at once (four if you get the combo with the chicken pox vaccine) jammed into their healthy child! But, alas, the studies that some question and fear, debunking Dr. Wakefield, are just too solid and too common to ignore. The MMR is not causing all these cases of Autism, and if any, it is an extremely, extremely, meniscal amount, in my humble opinion. Making the cost/risk analysis heavy in the favor of the vaccine, and in avoiding three diseases that still have the potential of causing deafness, and, though extremely rare, death.

Why this debate pisses me off

There is ample reason to question vaccines. Ultimately, I find the science behind them to be sound, and the need for them significant. But pigs will fly before I will agree that shooting up my little babies with a whole bunch of viruses, all at once, knowing damn well that there could be a negative reaction, is the optimal approach. It is the herd approach. It is the cost/risk analysis that tells healthcare professionals that all is better than none, and that since moms are not likely to come back in multiple times, it is better to get the kids vaccinated while you have them in your paws. It is the herd approach that says, "If the vaccine does not work on child A, then we must be sure that child B, C, and D have had all of their vaccines." Does it make sense? Of course it does. But would it be most ideal to give new vaccines spread out so that should a reaction occur, the doctor would know which specific vaccines to avoid and which could be repeated? OF COULD IT WOULD BE. Lying to me about that because you are afraid if you give me any rope I will hang myself kills your credibility, dear doctor. KILLS IT. Each time we get a vaccine, we all get a hand out. If you read it, it says that--while very, very, very rare--some children have really bad reactions. Some get brain damage. Some die. The paper gives you a hotline number to call if your child has a bad reaction. It tells you about a reimbursement fund for any medical harm caused. And it tells you, quite clearly, to avoid getting a vaccine if you or your child are ill. This leads back to the credibility issue: my husband was harassed and judged harshly for refusing to allow my six week preemie baby--who could not breath on her own, who had pneumonia, and who was fighting for her life--to get the Hep B vaccine. What. the. hell. Do they read their own paperwork they hand out? Do they use any ounce of common sense? This is the kind of crap that makes me madder than a crazy person with lots of hats (Mad Hatter reference, get it?) and makes me lose a great deal of trust in some of these health care professionals.

This is really long

Ok. I am done. Let me conclude by saying this: Don't hate on the mom who doesn't vaccinate. You do not know if her family has a history of bad reactions. You do not know if her child is allergic to eggs or yeast (some component of that matters for Hep B), and you do not know if her child has a chronic illness and has been advised against it. You do not know what she has seen or heard. You can discuss it with her if you would like, and share your own concerns about that pretty valid herd argument, but don't be mean. DON'T BE MEAN.

To those who ride along in my boat, who get the science behind it but who are scared to death about all these stories and risks and warnings, I will say it again. I gave my daughter the MMR, and nothing happened. It was terrifying, but it was ultimately the right decision. For us.